How did you become who you are

A friend of mine hit me with a question a couple of days ago. I don’t quite remember how it came up, but the question was: “Do you know how the stuff that happened in your childhood influenced how you became the person you are today?”

This is such an important question that tells so much about who you are and what your stance in life is. It explains your struggles, your triumphs, and also how you interact with others, especially your own children. I believe everyone should at least think about this question, it might enlighten some aspects of your life of which you didn’t know they were rooted in your childhood. Here’s my story.

As a kid my parents quickly caught wind that I was more advanced for my age compared to other children. As they tell it, I was able to write my name on the computer before I could write. I was also able to read before primary school. So my parents took me to take some exams and I passed and got to skip the last year of kindergarten and started primary school a year early. I didn’t know any kids in that year, and for as long as I can remember in my school career most people addressed me as Lukske (which kind of translates to Little Luk). I didn’t mind it much at the time, but I was always the youngest in class and somehow felt I had to prove I deserved to be there. Especially in primary school I took immense pride in showing off. I was very good at maths, and whenever I had the opportunity in a test or quiz, I would try to finish as fast as possible, feeling a rush of adrenaline to get done as fast as possible. I never double-checked my answers, which did end up costing me in the long run. It’s a habit I’ve had to stamp out in my adult life, where I learned that I’m more valuable as a software developer when I deliver qualitative work instead of fast work.

During my primary school period I scored pretty good on my report cards, everything I was talented in (maths, languages, and anything logic based) scored 8-10/10 and stuff I had to memorize which (at the time) didn’t interest me, scored somewhat lower 6-7/10. Mostly because I was able to memorize just about enough of what was said that I didn’t have to put any extra work in. Some kids at school talked about cramming for school for 2-3 hours per day, whereas I came home, dropped my backpack and turned on my computer and started playing video games. My mom would occasionally ask me if I didn’t have any homework, but I was usually done with all my homework by the time my parents picked me up from school. School ended between 3PM and 4PM, and I got picked up at around 6PM. We would usually eat “as a family” when my dad came home at around 8PM. Eating as a family at our place meant, all of us sitting around the same table, while my dad chose his favourite TV program to watch for the evening.

We never talked much. My parents often talked amongst each other in French when me or my sister weren’t meant to understand anything they were saying. I remember jumping in a conversation they were having and asking about something they were talking about that I didn’t fully understand. They were baffled that I picked up their secret language which wasn’t intended to be understood by us little people. They jokingly said they’d have to start talking in English to each other so I wouldn’t understand them. But by that time, with all the TV I had been consuming and all English programs were subtitled in Dutch, I had enough of a basis to understand and reply as well. I think they just waited until we went to bed before talking about stuff I wasn’t supposed to overhear. Although they frequently kept talking to each other in French, for which I’m grateful, it did develop my French more.

I wasn’t that popular as a kid. I did have some friends I played with in school, but often I brought crosswords or wordsearches with me to school to solve during breaks instead of socializing with other kids. I never thought it odd the time, my parents often encouraged this. This behaviour was kind of fine during primary school, but in secondary school this was obviously the kind of thing bullies would pick up on. There were times where I felt like a rock star in primary school. I remember in 5th grade I had a competition with my teacher to look up the definition of some words in the dictionary as fast as possible, which I won and the whole class applauded. Secondary school was a whole different beast. Everything that made me special in primary school, made me a target in secondary school.

I started purposely putting in less effort in order to not stand out. This had an obvious impact on my grades, which I then had to explain to my parents. Although it took me 4 years to come clean and tell them that I got bullied and this was a conscious effort of me to not stand out (which btw, did not help at all). It was around this time I started rebelling myself, and whenever I did anything wrong at home my mom would not hesitate to remind me to “wait until your dad hears about this!”. I didn’t see my dad often, he came home late and we had to go to bed early, so some days I didn’t even see him. Which fed upon the idea that my dad was the bogeyman, the man you had to fear. Because anything you did wrong would go straight to him and punishment would follow. It might not be the very next day, but it would. Punishment was never physical, I never got mistreated, my dad knew perfectly how to get to me. Just take away my computer and sure enough that felt like the worst thing that could happen to me.

It was around this period that I started dabbling in programming some more. I did some BASIC in primary school on an old Commodore 64 we had, but didn’t do a whole lot with it. During secondary school I learned Visual Basic and the WYSIWYG editor of Winforms, which opened so many possibilities. I wrote many programs which I don’t have anymore, like a arithmetic exercise program for my younger sister, or an algorithm to solve the board game Clue in as few steps as possible. Which kind of took the fun out of the boardgame, but it was fun writing it. Whenever I got stuck on anything my dad would remind me that “if Einstein gave up, we wouldn’t have the theory of relativity now”. Which kind of sums it all up really well. My parents weren’t (and still aren’t) great with sharing feelings. I have not had a lot of affection as a child, I wasn’t told I was loved, and no one ever told me they were proud of me. Instead, what I heard most often was: “You could do more with the talents you’ve been given”, often followed by “it would be a shame to let them go to waste”. It even is what I still hear my grandfather say to me on his deathbed.

I wouldn’t see this scarred me, but I did take this with me for most of my adult life. Seeking validation of others for the work I did. Constantly trying to up my game to get more praise, until I couldn’t anymore. Whereas I’ve worked on these problems for many years and feel that my life as a whole has become a lot better ever since I started reflecting on my own situation and how my actions affected myself and others. I still think the lack of motivation I find for actually finishing personal projects where I’m the only key stakeholder stems from this need of external validation. Kudos, to all solo devs who work for years their passion project and actually finish their project.

On the other hand, the lack of empathy and affection I got as a child resulted in a deep interest in human psychology and behaviour. I’ve become a big fan of communicating from my own needs to my partner and friends, instead of communicating about the frustration their actions cause me. Whenever I get frustrated, angry or disappointed, I remind myself that my reaction is a direct consequence of my own needs and values, and not a result of someone else’s actions. This realization in itself gives so much meaning and allows for so much growth in ones life.

So, this might not be the whole story of how I became the person I am today, but it does underline the most troublesome, but also the most valuable aspects of my character. If you find you have some free time for self reflection, ask yourself: “How did you become who you are today?” Share your thoughts for others, or don’t, in any event I’m almost certain you’ll (re)discover something important about yourself.